throughout endless infinity

Fandom: NCS (New Captain Scarlet)
Characters/Pairings: Captain Black|Conrad Lefkon, mentions of Scarlet|Paul and hints of Destiny|Simone. Conrad&Paul, past relationship: Destiny/Conrad.
Rating & Warnings: T (PG/PG-13)
Estimated Fic Length: Currently around 700 words long; will possibly get longer (hopefully not over 5,000 words long)
Notes: I wanted to experiment with using the word it as the character would describe itself as such; trying to separate itself from the identity of a former friend of the protagonist despite having his body and face. The fic is written to be almost like a soliloquy, but it's mainly written in third-person for that word usage.

It would help to have some knowledge of the show and characters I'm writing about, but it's not a requirement to know it like the back of your hand (inside and out; that kind of thing).

I need a second set of eyes for grammar, and seeing if the prose is getting too flowery/repetitious/formal. I feel like I also tend to tell too much rather than showing, and I worry sometimes that the "voice" doesn't sound in character. Also, I feel like something is missing to complete this fic (but what though?).

Either way, I hope I'm not asking for too much, and any help is greatly appreciated! :D